Be brave! Don’t cry! A true story

A familiar light knock on the door in the morning! Hong Mei knew that it was her big brother’s friend, whom he walked to school with. 

“Bye!” Hong Mei joyfully waved to them at the front door.

Hong Mei watched other children walk past her house to school with envy. “One day, I will be a big kid, and I will go to school too!” she thought to herself. School is Hong Mei’s mystery place! All the “big kids” seemed so happy, chatting, and laughing on their way to school.

“Big kids take care of themselves!” Ma said, “They are brave, and they don’t cry!”

Hong Mei had been taking care of herself: bathing, dressing, and eating…. She still had to work on combing, and braiding her long black hair.  Hong Mei felt brave like those cowgirls on TV, when she put on her brother’s cowboy outfit, and pretended to be a cowgirl. She did not complain when she helped Ma with chores around that house, and she worked hard in weeding and tending the vegetable garden with Ma.  

Hong Mei liked to ride a bike with her friend next door. Her friend’s mother was often with her daughter, helped her, cheered her up, and gave her encouraging words.  Hong Mei chose to look down and away whenever the mother hugged and kissed her friend.  Hong Mei ignored a tug of pain at her heart, and silently told herself: “Pa and Ma love me too!”.  Hong Mei learned not to cry, even when she hurt herself from falling off her bike!  She always remembered Ma’s words: “Be brave! Don’t cry!”.   

Each evening, it was always “Home Work” time for her big brother. Hong Mei learned to be very quiet during those hours, it was the time that if Hong Mei could become transparent, it would be better! Tonight’s routine was same, yet Hong Mei felt different!

As usual, Hong Mei climbed on the cot to sit next to Ma, and quietly unraveled the yarn for Ma to knit. Pa’s voice was louder than usual, and he was pacing around the table.  Hong Mei looked up; just to catch Ma quickly wiping the tears away from her cheeks. Hong Mei glanced at her ashen faced brother at the dining table. His homework paper and books were scattered on the table top. Ma continued to knit faster; and quickly wiped off tears from the corners of her eyes to stop them from rolling down her cheeks. Hong Mei was afraid! She did not remember seeing Ma cry before. It was Ma, who often told her “Be brave! Don’t cry!”.

Hong Mei reached for Ma’s arm for comfort, but Ma brushed off Hong Mei’s hand, and pulled her arm away.  Pa’s voice became louder; he slammed his fist on the table top. Her brother was brave; he did not cry; he just sat there with scattered homework paper and books.  He sat straight up in the chair, looked down at the paper, and remained motionless; his face was as pale as a ghost! Hong Mei felt a big lump in her throat; her breathe quickened; her eyes froze in place for fear that tears would roll out like Ma’s tears. She was afraid: “Big kids don’t cry!”. She tried to remember!

Hong Mei slid off the cot quietly; she did not want to cause any attention to her existence. Hong Mei glanced back at Ma; she was now sniffing too, although there were no tears on her cheeks; her head bent down to continue her non-stop knitting! Hong Mei tiptoed into the kitchen, opened the back door, and went outside.

It was monsoon season! The sky was gray! It was raining hard! The wind was cold! Thunder rumbled overhead! Flashes of lighting could be seen in the distance!  Hong Mei slumped to the floor of the roofless porch, knees against her chest for warmth, and hands over her head to cover the relentless rain pouring down on her. Rain mercilessly soaked every corner of her frail little being.

Hong Mei began to cry! No one knew she cried now because the rain washed her tears away! She sobbed out loud! No one could hear her sob now! Thunder and rain drops muffled her sound! Hong Mei tried hard to be brave, but now she just wanted to cry! Making Ma proud, being a big kid, going to school seemed so distant away! Hong Mei could not stop sobbing! Tears, she did not know existed, warmed her cheeks!  “Oh! Ma! I’m so sorry! I cried!” Hong Mei covered her face, mumbled, and trembled with cold, fear, loneliness, and lost …..

Something was choking Hong Mei! A balloon! The same colorless balloon, that appeared in so many of her dreams! It came back! It was huge! It was doing the same thing to her! It became bigger and bigger!  It was filling up every inch of the room slowly! Hong Mei was all alone; withdrawn, and crouched into a corner. It was so heavy on her chest! Hong Mei could not breathe! Push it back! Push it back! Hong Mei struggled!!!!!

2013